


Bracelets and Hand Granades

by Jessi_aka_pyro



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Michael is a sad boi, No Smut, Sad boi, Self-Harm, also with my girls because I don't focus on them enough, be careful guys, but happy ending, but not the focus of the fic, don't read if you think it might effect you, drug mention, just straight up angst, rated for the subject, self harm! MIchael Mell, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-20 13:17:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12433665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessi_aka_pyro/pseuds/Jessi_aka_pyro
Summary: Michael wore bracelets. Lots of them. And when he didn't wear bracelets he kept his sleeves permanently down. That was a fact that everyone knew. His bracelets were just as common as the red jacket he donned every morning. Bands, quotes, beads, strings, rubber bands, just… bracelets. From his wrist to about half way up to his elbow. And no one questioned it, because no one really spoke to him. Michael had Jeremy and that was all he really needed.But… that wasn't the case anymore. Now Jeremy had friends. And so by association, Michael had friends. Other friends. New friends. Friends who didn't know what to ask and what to avoid. So Michael really shouldn't have been surprised when the inevitable question came up.





	Bracelets and Hand Granades

Michael wore bracelets. Lots of them. And when he didn't wear bracelets he kept his sleeves permanently  _ down. _ That was a fact that everyone knew. His bracelets were just as common as the red jacket he donned every morning. Bands, quotes, beads, strings, rubber bands, just… bracelets. From his wrist to about half way up to his elbow. And no one questioned it, because no one really spoke to him. Michael had Jeremy and that was all he really needed.

 

But… that wasn't the case anymore. Now Jeremy had  _ friends _ . And so by association,  _ Michael had friends _ . Other friends. New friends. Friends who didn't know what to ask and what to avoid. So Michael really shouldn't have been surprised when the inevitable question came up.

 

“Why do you have so many bracelets?”

 

It was Brooke who asked. Not in a mean way, but Michael had immediately grown tense, staring at his tray. Where was Jeremy?

 

Oh right. He'd gone to the restroom, leaving Michael with his new  _ friends. _

 

“I just like them?” He replied, sounding flippant, if a little annoyed. Brooke seemed to grasp his annoyance and nodded, managing to look a little apologetic. Chloe however didn't catch the hint.

 

“You know, now that I think about it, I've never actually seen you without a jacket either. What, are you _ emo _ or something?”

 

_ Emo _ . He hated that word. Michael wanted to leave, but if he did they'd _ know _ and that couldn't happen. If he looked bad, Jeremy would look bad, and Michael couldn't do that to him. Not after everything Jeremy went through to get these friends in the first place.

 

Shaking his head, Michael laughed awkwardly. “Uhh no? I just like my hoodie.”

 

“But don't you ever like, wash it? Or get tired of wearing the same thing everyday?” She tacked on, sending Michael's nerves on edge.

 

But then a voice from above came, as said person slid back into their seat, next to Michael. “Hey, sorry. What're we talking about?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“Michael's jacket.”

 

Michael glared at Jake who had spoken at the same time he did. Jake looked honestly confused at the glare, that Michael felt a little bad.

 

Jeremy grinned. “Oh yeah! It's cool, right? I helped with a few of the patches but he did most of them.”

 

Michael flushed slightly. “Heh yah man, thanks again by the way. I'm gonna put the Zelda one you gave me last week on probably tonight. I just gotta find my stuff.”

 

Jeremy continued on, dragging Christine and rich into a story about when he'd almost caught his hair on fire with a clothes iron, but Michael wasn't really paying attention. He could still feel Chloe’s stare on him. And why was Jenna casting him worried glances every so often?

 

Michael sighed quietly, slumping back in his chair and bringing his and to his stomach, to hold onto them. Today was going to be a long day apparently.

 

As the week passed, the questions apparently didn't stop.

 

“Hey can I borrow your bracelets? They'd look cute with this shirt.”

 

“Can I draw on your arms? Great! Can you take the bracelets off first though, they're kind of in the way.”

 

“Oh whoops, sorry about spilling soda on your jacket, haha. Better take it off.”

 

Michael was slowly grinding his teeth down, and by the time Friday rolled around, he was ready to scream.

 

As Brooke approached him in the hallway, Chloe on her arm, Michael growled beneath his breath, slamming his locker closed with a bit too much force. As they slid up next to him, Michael could feel anxiety and irritation coiling tightly in his stomach.

 

“Hey, Michael,” Chloe greeted in her falsely sweet voice.

 

“Michael!” Brooke added in a much more genuine tone, but it still dug beneath Michael's skin.

 

“What,” he snapped, turning from his locker. Brooke looked at him in shock.

 

“I-i uh I was just saying hi?”

 

Michael rolled his eyes, keeping his quick pace.

 

“Aren't you a little hot in that?” Chloe commented and Michael had to take a deep breath to keep from shouting.  _ This _ was why he had _ one _ friend. Jeremy knew when to _ quit _ whatever the fuck she was doing.

 

“No.”

 

“Are you sure? I'd be happy to hold onto your hoodie for you if it won't fit in your backpack?”

 

Michael spun around, glaring. He'd have taken satisfaction in the step back Chloe took if he wasn't as distressed, caught between wanting to tell at her to stop and wanting to rip off the damn thing to show her why he _needs_ her to stop.

 

“What the fuck do you want, Chloe?”

 

The slow smirk curling on her lips had Michael's chest tightening in anxiety. Like she already knew.

 

“I want you to take off your jacket.”

 

“ _ But why, _ ” Michael couldn't help the slight whine to his tone. Brooke looked confused between the two.

 

“Yeah, Clo. Why are you so dead set on him taking his jacket off lately?”

 

Chloe rolled her eyes, as if it was obvious. “Because it's obvious he's hiding something, and I am  _ going _ to find out. Now,  _ show me your Damn arms, Michael. _ ”

 

His chest constricted and his breath grew shallow. “No,” he said defiantly, but it came out quiet and hoarse. Not at all how he intended. Once again, Michael couldn't help but think,  _ where is Jeremy? _

 

“Hey guys, what's going on?” It wasn't the voice he wanted, but Michael would take what he could get. His head swung towards Jenna, who's smile almost immediately dropped after seeing the tense atmosphere, determined anger on Chloe's and distressed panic on Michael's. “Uhh what's happening?”

 

Chloe kept her eyes locked on Michael. “Michael was just about to share something with the class, I believe.”

 

Said boy swallowed thickly, eyes darting between Jenna and Brooke, but as Brooke still looked confused, casting Chloe nervous glances, and Jenna looked concerned but unsure if she should step in, Michael knew they'd be of no help. He needed out of this.

 

“I told you it's  _ nothing.  _ I-i just like my jacket! Leave me alone.”

 

But Chloe wasn't budging. As he tried to turn away, her hand shot out, grabbing his wrist tightly, nails digging into the skin between the bracelets. Michael winced, and Jenna’s eyes widened as they locked onto the skin that was now exposed.

 

“I'm not letting some fucking meth head tear apart MY friends,” Chloe spat out as he yanked his wrist up, moving the bracelets down with  _ force _ . What she saw was not what she was expecting however.

 

“Michael, you-” Jenna started in a distressed voice. She held her own arms to her chest. Brooke was silently staring, eyes glistening with unshed tears.

 

Michael too let his eyes fall to his now exposed wrist. It wasn't even the worse one and he was cringing. Dozens of scared up cuts decorated his tan skin. Some still hiding behind rubber, string, and plastic. Two new ones sat in plain view however, only a day old. His other wrist throbbed in tandem with his racing heart.

 

“Hey guys!” Came Jeremy's voice from behind, and Michael was running. He ripped his arm out of Chloe's grasp, shoving his sleeve down with a desperate need to hide his mistakes, and took off, sidestepping Jeremy's arm grabbing out for him, a confused, “Michael?” Following after him.

 

Michael was out of the school and in his car, peeling from the parking lot, all before the next period.

 

Jeremy however immediately zeroed in on the group of girls. “ _ What happened _ ,” he demanded, crossing his arms in front of them. Brooke looked at him, obviously trying not to cry. Jenna was running a shaky hand through her hair, tapping away on her phone. The only one looking at Jeremy was Chloe, who looked more shocked than anything.

 

“Well?”

 

Clearing her throat, Chloe shrugged, trying to act casual, but the way she looked away from Jeremy was a dead give away. “I don't know. He just… took off.”

 

Jeremy scoffed, but before he could answer, Brooke was glaring at Chloe. “Tell him! Why are you hiding it.? Why were you being so mean to him in the first place? Clo, that wasn't cool. You need to apologize to Michael.”

 

Jeremy blinked at his ex, a tear managing to fall, though she quickly scrubbed it away in favor of continuing to glare at her best friend.

 

“I-” she started, but a pained expression took over, and Chloe fell silent.

 

Jeremy groaned, pushing a hand through his hair. “Look, Chloe, I don't give a Fuck, okay? I just need to know, right now. What  _ happened?” _

 

Jenna cleared her throat, voice shaky at best. Jeremy had to struggle to hear her over the dying crowd in the hallway. “He hurts himself. Right? Chloe found out. She uh. She forced him to show us his arm.”

 

Alarms went off in his head. Jeremy needed to _go._ _Now_ , preferably. But he didn't have a car and he still needed to know _why the fuck Chloe would do that_.

 

“ _ Why the fuck did you do that? _ ” Being blunt would just have to work for now.

 

“I-” she tried again, and just then did Jeremy notice the way her hands shook. Chloe saw him staring and tucked them beneath her arms as she crossed them. “I thought he was doing drugs. Hard stuff. Needles. I didn't want that shit around Brooke.”

 

Rubbing a hand down his face in frustration, Jeremy groaned.  _ “Why the fuck would you think that?” _

 

“Well, he always covers his arms! I thought- I figured he'd have track marks or something! And he was in the bathroom at Jake's party for a  _ long _ time.”

 

“Whatever, I don't have time for this,” Jeremy spat, pulling out his phone. “Jake has a car, right?” He mumbled to himself, searching for Jake's name in his phone. Odds were, Michael had gone home. His parents usually didn't get home until late. First period had just started, he'd be home alone for hours.  _ Jeremy needed to leave now. _

 

He started to turn, finding Jake's first period, but Chloe's hesitant voice stopped him. He turned back towards her, expectant and furious. He knew she was looking out for Brooke, but there were better ways she could've gone about this.

 

“I uh. I have a car. I can take you. You're going after him, right?”

 

Jeremy's frown deepened. “And why should I let you near him?”

 

“I need to apologize. I shouldn't have forced him like that.”

 

Brooke and Jenna nodded, and Jeremy sighed.  _ He needed to go _ .

 

“Alright. But we have to go  _ now. _ And no one's coming in until I say it's okay. Got it?”

 

The three nodded and soon they were making their way to Chloe's car, Jeremy sending a mass of texts to Michael, even though he knew none of them would be responded to.

 

Meanwhile, Michael was  _ distressed _ to say the least.

 

Pulling into his driveway quickly, he barely managed to get his keys out and the door shut before he was forcing his house key into the lock with shaking fingers.

 

_ They knew. Everyone knew. Now they'd judge him and see how weak he is and he couldn't stop it. They saw, he couldn't lie his way out.  _ **_They knew_ ** .

 

Not bothering to shut the door completely, Michael was suddenly overwhelmed by the encompassing urge to cry. He squeezed his eyes shut, breathing quick, as he stumbled his way to his basement. Once in, he locked the door behind him, ripping his hoodie off violently. He get exposed, but he didn't care. It didn't matter. They knew, there was no point in hiding anymore. With a shout as his vision blurred, Michael tried to force the bracelets off, gasping as rubber pulled at sensitive skin. He only managed to break two, that fell to the floor. He fell to his knees, rubbing at his face to see better and managed to get his hands working long enough to pull off the majority of the bracelets protecting him from the world. Michael left the more complicated string ones on, but it didn't really matter. He could see them now, clear as day.

 

_ His mistakes. _

 

If his left wrist shocked them, Michael was scared to see what they'd think of his right. People forget he's left handed. A sob ripped from his throat as he started. He'd been getting better. The two from last night were the first time since Jeremy left the hospital. But apparently it was the one addiction he couldn't let go of. With shaking fingers, he traced the faded scars criss crossing in random patterns, designs and words long lost in the mess of scars. Though he could still remember each word he'd carved into his skin over the years.

 

_ Weirdo, creep, faggot, stoner, loser. _

 

Each one permanently etched into his tan skin to forever be burned into his frail heart. Maybe it was a good thing they found out. Now they could truly know why Jeremy was better than him. Why they should all leave Michael in the dust. Why he'd never be accepted within their group.

 

He dug his black painted nails into the scars, wishing each one would break open, bleeding out the emotions he couldn't manage right now. Maybe he could fix that.

 

On shaking legs, Michael managed to stand again, heading towards his bed where he kept an old pink Floyd cassette tape case. No one but he would ever bother looking there.

 

Opening the case in shaking fingers, Michael stared at the blade that sat inside. Guilt pulled at his chest. Closing his eyes as more tears fell, Michael thought back to when Jeremy had first found out.

 

\----------------------------------------------

 

_ They were fourteen. Michael was picking at the sleeves of his jacket with a frown. It was warm in Jeremy's house ave he was hot but he couldn't take of his jacket, because then Jeremy would know how weird he is. _

 

_ He'd ended up taking it off anyway, in a competition of Mario kart he'd momentarily forgotten why he was suddenly forcing himself to suffer. _

 

_ Jeremy had only noticed when Michael stretched his arms over his head with a yawn. _

 

_ “Woah dude, did a cat scratch you? That looks like it hurt.” _

 

_ Michael, confused at first, followed Jeremy's line of sight before freezing. He'd been careless. His breath started to quicken as he stared at the three thin, but prominent cuts decorating three thin side of his wrist, desperately looking for a convincing reply. Meanwhile, Jeremy had scooted closer, a worried, “Michael?” On his lips. _

 

_ “I'm sorry,” Michael had choked out, suddenly pulling his jacket back on. “I-i I didn't mean- augh Jeremy, I'm sorry,” he stressed again, tears springing up. He was so  _ stupid.

 

_ “Hey, it's okay. What happened? Was it rich? Did he cut you? Because I swear to god, I'll beat him up! I'll do it Michael, just tell me-” _

 

_ Michael cut Jeremy off with a short laugh. “It wasn't rich.” _

 

_ “Then who-” _

 

_ “I did it.” _

 

_ “By accident?” _

 

_ “...No.” _

 

_ The room was quiet as Jeremy stared. Michael couldn't bring himself to look up. _

 

_ “...Why?” He asked in a soft voice. Michael shrugged. He didn't know why he told the truth. Maybe some part of him  _ wanted _ Jeremy to know. Wanted someone to care. _

 

_ “Can I see?” Michael nodded, extending his arm. Jeremy took it gently, tracing over the cuts. Michael winced. “We should probably clean them up,” Jeremy finalized, starting to get up. Michael made a pained sound however, looking up at Jeremy with tears in his eyes. _

 

_ “Don't leave?” He asked in a painfully pathetic voice. _

 

_ Jeremy sat back down immediately, pulling Michael into a tight hug. “I'm not going anywhere.” _

 

_ Michael broke down at the support he felt. Big ugly sobs into the boy's shoulder. His glasses pressing uncomfortably against his face as they were smudged beyond no return. _

 

_ However long later, Michael was shaking slightly, but he wasn't crying, and instead breathing slowly against Jeremy as said boy ran a hand through Michael's thick hair, the other hand rubbing his back. This was the first time he'd seen Michael cry like this and he wasn't about to mess it up. _

 

_ “You wanna talk about it?” Jeremy asked, still keeping Michael pressed against him. _

 

_ With a shuddering breath, Michael tightened his hold on Jeremy, pressing his face further into the more damp shirt. “I'm gay,” he whispered with a shaking, hoarse voice. _

 

_ Jeremy's hands stilled for a second, and Michael was ready to run, but like nothing had happened, they continued their soothing motions. “That's great! I'm glad you told me,” Jeremy replied, and Michael could hear the genuine smile in Jeremy's voice. It made him smile a little in return. _

 

_ “Is that… why you did that?” He added on however, and Michael's smile fell. He pulled back, guilt pulling at his chest. _

 

_ “I- I'm sorry. I was playing wow and… and this guy he… it's stupid. But- he called me gay and I said you got that right and then- then my guild left me and he told me to kill myself and-” his breath caught in his throat and Michael couldn't breath. “I- sorry. It's stupid.” _

 

_ “Hey hey, no it's not. Your feelings aren't stupid, Mikey.” Jeremy had taken his hands, rubbing incessantly at his knuckles. “Is that when you did it?” _

 

_ With a stuttering breath, Michael shook his head, withdrawing his hands. He pulled his knees to his chest and held on tight. “My- I went upstairs and my dad he- he asked me what's wrong because I was upset and I said some kid called me gay and told me to kill myself and he- he  _ laughed. _ Jeremy he  _ laughed! _ ” _

 

_ Michael was breathing quickly again, staring at his best friend with desperate eyes. “He laughed and said ‘that's just how kids joke. Just call them gay back and move on.’ A-and then I said but what's wrong with being gay and he- he said gay people are  _ wrong _. He called me wrong! Jeremy,  _ my dad thinks I'm wrong. _ ” _

 

_ He was crying again, hiccuping gross sobs. He thought he was out of tears, but apparently not. Jeremy was on him in a second, pulling Michael back against his chest. “Oh, gosh, Michael I'm so sorry. But he's wr- your dad is mistaken. You're not wrong, Mike. You're amazing and _ right _. He just doesn't know it yet. You matter. A-and I'm never leaving you alone, okay? Next time you ever feel like… doing that. Call me, okay? You're not alone, you're my best friend, and I'll always help you. Okay?” _

 

_ Michael nodded, quieting down with a few tears still leaking out. “I'm sorry,” he couldn't help but saying. _

 

_ Jeremy shook his head however and grabbed Michael's hand. “Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry for.” _

 

_ “But i-" _

 

_ “Nope. Hey you were there when mom left, so I'll be here for you too, okay?” _

 

_ “...Okay.” _

 

_ And Michael felt a little less alone, if still exhausted and spent. Michael knew Jeremy would always be there for him. _

 

\----------------------------------------------

 

Of course he hadn't kept his promise to call Jeremy every time. But he did at least tell him. Usually. Okay, most of the time. Only when it was bad. And Jeremy would always give him a short glare before saying  _ ‘It's okay I still care about you. Let me look.’  _ It was the least he could do after everything Jeremy had to put up with.

 

It was too quiet. The shine of the small razor sent screams through his head. The silence was pressing in from all angles the longer Michael stared.

 

He put down the case, stumbling back rut where his headphones had fallen. Music. Music helped. It helped push the need to the back of his mind. Where it was still there, but less insistent.

 

He found them, and with shaky fingers, but as he dug in the pockets of his pants and the hoodie on the floor, Michael realised he left his phone in the car. With a distressed noise, he stayed on the ground shaking.

 

He wanted to do it.  _ God _ he wanted to do it. But that's just what Chloe wants. That's just what everyone wants. He'd already fucked up last night. But what was one more Fuck up. Just a couple mistakes and he'd feel balanced. He'd be able to focus on more than the swarming nest of angry hornets attacking his insides.

 

Michael glanced back over to his bed.  _ Fuck it. _

 

Once he had the blade in shaking fingers, he pressed it to scarred skin and shivered. Why was he even doing this? What would it help? It would just prove how pathetic he was. How weak he was to fall back into nasty habits.

 

_ “Michael!” _

 

Michael jumped, nicking a tiny sliver of skin. Michael cursed, putting the blade away and scrubbing at his face. His name was shouted again, and he could hear a car down slam Shut.

 

Michael ran to the basement window, catching eyes with a distressed Jeremy. The other was shouting at him, furry and worry mixing in his soft features, and Michael was stumbling back from the window he couldn't look at Jeremy. Not after what he'd just almost done. He wrapped his arms tightly around his middle, realising how vulnerable he felt with his music or hoodie. Just a crying boy in a thin Zelda shirt and cargo shorts.

 

Michael hiccuped as he fell back to the floor, curling up as footsteps pounded down the stairs. He whimpered when the door knob jiggled, followed by pounding knocks resonating with the pounding of his heart.

 

“Michael! Mike, please! Let me in!”

 

“I'm sorry!” Michael cried, curling tighter. He wanted him to leave. Everyone to leave. So he could be alone with his  _ mistakes. _

 

“Michael, Michael it's okay. I swear it's okay. But, I need to see you. Okay? Please let me in.”

 

“Jere-" he croaked, shuddering. He should let him in. But then he'd know. He'd see the cut and think Michael failed him. Even if this one wasn't on purpose, it was going to be, so did it really even matter? Jeremy would hate him.

 

“Michael,  _ please. I will break this Damn door down if you don't let me in _ .”

 

With a gasping breath, Michael nodded, forgetting that Jeremy can't see him. He managed to stand up, scrubbing harshly at his face. Michael casted a longing glance at his discarded hoodie, but knew there was no point. Jeremy would just asked him to take it off anyway.

 

The knocking and begging continued as Michael neared the door, voice growing more desperate. So with a deep, stuttering breath, Michael managed to wrap his hands around the knob, flicking the lock down, and pulled it open. He winced slightly as his wrist gave a tinge of pain, and stared at the floor. Subconscious, he pulled back, wrapping his arms around himself again.

 

Jeremy's legs came into view, and Michael squeezed his eyes shut so he didn't have to see the pity that was certainly there.

 

“H-hey.” He tried to sound casual, but even to his ears it sounded weak and pathetic.

 

“...Michael,” Jeremy whispered, before Michael was suddenly pulled down to Jeremy's neck, thin arms wrapping tightly around him. “Jenna told me what happened,” he whispered. Michael wrapped his arms around Jeremy just as tight. Jenna was there. Brooke was there. They all knew. His thoughts were spiraling back to the repeating thought as he shook slightly in Jeremy's arms, eyes clenched shut as he bit his lip to keep from crying.

 

“I-I'm sorry. Jeremy- they-”

 

“Sh sh shhhh hey, Mikey, don't worry about it. It's okay.”

 

“But they know, a-and I can't-”

 

Michael was cut off as Jeremy's fingers pressed into his hair, ripping a sob grin the boy. He'd been in this position so many times now in his seventeen years of life, that the simple motion always made him vulnerable and open with his best friend.

 

At some point they'd moved to Michael's bed, lying down, curled up next to each other. The world was blurry as Jeremy had pulled his glasses away awhile ago, but it would've been blurry regardless so Michael didn't much care. He was breathing deeply into Jeremy's chest, eyes tired and stinging as he held them shut, finally seeming to run out of tears. Jeremy was humming softly, still pushing his hand through Michael's hair. He noticed however that Michael had stopped crying, and stilled his hand, scratching at his scalp lightly.

 

“Better?”

 

Michael nodded, sniffing as he held onto Jeremy still. “M’ sorry.”

 

Shaking his head, Jeremy moved his hands around to tilt up Michael's face, cupping his jaw with his soft hands. “Don't be sorry. What do I always tell you? It's okay, man. I don't mind this.”

 

“Yeah but…,” Michael looked down, feeling exhausted. “You shouldn't have to.”

 

“Look at me,” Jeremy demanded, stroking the sharp jaw line beneath his hands. Michael tried for a weak smile.

 

“I can't. You got my glasses.”

 

Barking out a laugh, Michael could hear the eye roll Jeremy partook in. He pressed his forehead to Michael's, Jeremy slid his hand back into Michael's hair, stroking through it. “See me now?”

 

“Barley.” Michael responded, though the moment was broken as his chest seized up with the need to cough. He pulled back, coughing harshly into his arm, wincing when it pulled at the wound again. He could feel Jeremy's eyes.

 

“You did it?” He asked softly. Tears sprang up once more, and Michael pulled his arms tight against him. He sniffed, shaking his head.

 

“It- I didn't mean to. I-i mean. I was going to, but I hadn't. And then y-you were here and i- I jumped and it happened but it was an accident and  _ Fuck, I'm sorry.” _

 

Jeremy shook his head, sitting up. “It's okay. It was an accident. Can I see?”

 

With slow reluctance, Michael sat up as well, letting his head drop. He held out his arms, closing his eyes again, shivering as Jeremy's fingers traced over his wrist.

 

“What are these from?”

 

“L-last night. I'm-”

 

“Don't say you're sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. Did you try to call me?”

 

Michael bit his lip, opening his eyes but still looking down. “N-no. I almost did. My uhm. My parents were fighting. And Chloe wouldn't leave me alone. I… I didn't want to bother you. S- uhm. Yeah.”

 

“..Michael. You're not bothering me. Thank you for telling me though. The new one doesn't look too bad, but I still want to clean it up. Would that be okay right now?”

 

With a deep breath, Michael nodded, sighing as their fingers intertwined. It made him sick to see such ruined skin next to Jeremy's flawless skin, but the action made him feel safe. Jeremy knew it too, as Michael's chin was being tilted up again.

 

“Hey. It's okay. You know I'm not mad.”

 

“You're never mad,” Michael mumbled, still looking down, despite Jeremy trying to catch his eyes.

 

“And I never will be,” he replied, pressing a kiss to Michael's forehead. “Now come on, let's go to the kitchen, alright?”

 

Michael nodded, thankful for having Jeremy in his life. The other time Michael had hurt himself while Jeremy was in the hospital, the shorter boy had made the mistake of pulling Michael into the bathroom to see the wounds. Michael and emotions didn't mix well with bathrooms anymore.

 

Guiding him off the bed, Michael stood on shaky legs, following Jeremy up out of the basement and up the stairs. As they approached the living room however, they could hear a few distinct female voices. Michael froze, shrinking back slightly, though Jeremy refused to let go of his hand.

 

Huffing, Jeremy shook his head, looking apologetically back at Michael. “I told them to wait in the car. I'm sorry. I'll just go up and tell them to leave real quick, okay?”

 

The voices stopped, until Chloe's quietly asked, “...Michael? Jeremy?”

 

Michael shook his head, taking more deep breaths. He rubbed at his face more JUST to make sure tears were gone, despite the puffy redness he was sure to be sporting. “I-it’s fine. They… they already know.” Jeremy gave a worried look, but nodded, starting to pull Michael back up the stairs. But the taller boy couldn't move. He was looking fearful up towards the main floor of the house.

 

Jeremy smiled weakly. “Wanna go get your jacket?” Michael nodded immediately and let go of Jeremy's hand to dash back into his room, returning quickly with the soft red fabric encasing him in safety, his glasses held in the shaking fingers of his free hand. He latched back into Jeremy's open hand, nodding to his friend.

 

Jeremy continued up the steps slowly, giving Michael time to adjust. He put his glasses back on as they reached the landing, Michael immediately looking down again. There were now four sets of shoes in his vision, not including his own, and already this was feeling like too much.

 

He stood close to Jeremy, not sure what to do.

 

Jeremy however did, as he made sure to put himself between Michael and the girls with a huff. “I told you three to stay in the car, what the Hell.”

 

“We were worried!” Shouted Brooke. The loud noise caused Michael to flinch slightly. He wished he wasn't so Damn sensitive when he was like this.

 

If she noticed, she didn't say anything, but regardless, Michael was thankful when she lowered her voice. The staring he felt was already more than enough.

 

“Hey… Michael? We're really sorry. We shouldn't have pushed.” Jeremy scoffed, but Michael nodded.

 

“It's-” he cringed as his voice cracked. Clearing his throat, Michael nodded again, looking up quickly, trying again. “It's fine. It's okay.”

 

This time Chloe spoke, stepping forward. Michael glanced up at her, wrapping his free hand around his waist.

 

“It's not okay. Michael, I shouldn't have forced you to tell me anything. I'm really sorry, and I hope you'll forgive me?”

 

Michael laughed weakly, an  _ ‘It's okay’  _ ready on his lips, but what came out instead was, “Why did you do it?” Making him shrink back again. Jeremy looked back at him with worry.

 

“Uhm.” Now it was Chloe's turn to look down. “I thought you were doing drugs. Like hard stuff. And I didn't want you putting Brooke in danger. I was wrong.”

 

“Hard drugs? Like…”

 

“Meth. Heroine. I don't know. I thought you were hiding needle marks.”

 

Michael was shaking his head with a laugh. “I-i mean. Wow. Okay. uhm.”

 

She laughed too, shrugging. “Yeah. I know. Sorry, I just…”

 

“My brother did that stuff. He's in rehab now, but Chloe gets paranoid,” Brooke cut in. Chloe looked like she was about to protest, but instead gave Michael a sheepish smile.

 

“Okay.” Jeremy tugged on Michael's hand. “You apologized, Michael, we need to go to the kitchen.”

 

Michael nodded, starting to follow, but they were stopped by Jenna's loud, “Wait!”

 

He looked up, not expecting Jenna to say anything. “I uhm,” she started, looking out of her element, eyes darting every which way. “I wanted to apologize too. I didn't know exactly, but… ever since Brooke first asked you I had my suspicions. Before I was adopted… freshman year, I had a roommate at the orphanage who did. Did uhm… what you Do. And she uh. It didn't turn out well. I was scared. I told on her when I found out and that's why…” her eyes seemed to shine as she drifted off, but she quickly shook it off, looking back at Michael. “A-anyway. Yeah. I'm sorry. I should've said something to Chloe.”

“She….,” he left the sentence opened, but Jenna knew what he meant. She nodded silently.

 

“Yeah. Two days after I told. It was uh. Graphic.”

 

Michael managed out a quick, “I'm sorry,” before letting go of Jeremy's hand and wrapping both arms quickly around himself. Hearing about Jenna's friend had him… reeling. Without Jeremy could that have been him? Would he have reached the end of his own line like that? Michael didn't realize he was shaking until Jeremy's hand was pressing against his shoulder.

 

Michael jumped and pulled away, eyes wide. Jeremy gave him a sheepish smile, putting his hands in his pockets. “Sorry, man.” He nodded his head towards the kitchen and Michael nodded immediately, rushing past him. Jeremy bit his lip, following after.

 

Michael had stopped in the middle of the room, hands clasped together behind his head, breathing heavy. Jeremy made his presence known with heavy steps and moving into Michael's sight. “You okay?” He asked softly.

 

Michael nodded quickly, closing his eyes and lowering his arms. “Y-yeah. Uhm sorry. It was just-”

 

“Too much?” Jeremy supplied.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“That's okay. Are you okay for touch now? Or do you wanna wait.”

 

Michael bit his lip, but held out his hand, nodding. Jeremy took the hint and pulled Michael over to the sink. He pushed up the sleeve gently, turning Michael's arm to expose the small red streak.

 

Michael looked away, not wanting to meet Jeremy's eyes.

 

It was cleaned and rinsed off in no time at all, Jeremy long used to the process, and honestly used to a little worse than one accidental cut.

 

They stood in silence, the girls outside still just barely able to be heard. Michael bit the inside of his cheek, drawing his arms against himself again. “I’m sorry,” he repeated for possibly the thousandth time. Jeremy took his face into his hands, forcing Michael to look up at him.

 

“Stop,” he ordered. “You have  _ nothing _ to be sorry for. None of this is your fault.”

 

Michael tried to agree, but his traitorous mouth instead tried to dispute the fact. Saying he’d been about to. It was his fault. It was always his fault. Everything was his fault.

 

But Jeremy shook his head again, shushing Michael with a kiss. It was only then that Michael realized he was crying again.

 

He held onto Jeremy’s arms with a tight grip as the other just held onto his cheeks firmly. Lips slid together, salt mixing in between, and Michael felt his mind settle, if only slightly. He whimpered as Jeremy started to pull away, moving to loop his arms around Jeremy’s neck. Despite the slight height difference, they made it work. A hand moved into his hair, the other moving down to grip around his waist. Michael shuddered into the kiss, feeling secure in Jeremy’s embrace.

 

He pulled back after a minute with a quiet laugh, apology at the tip of his tongue. Jeremy pecked him once more, letting go of Michael’s waist to grab onto his arms. He pulled the sleeve down slightly to place a kiss on the scarred skin. “I love you,” he whispered, making Michael’s breath to catch in his throat.

 

“I-I love you too.”

 

It’s not that they’d never said those words to each other before. But with the intimacy of Jeremy’s lips pressed to the most vulnerable part of him had Michael feeling dizzy.

 

Pulling back, Jeremy smiled, pressing another kiss to Michael’s lips. “Hey, let’s go back to your room, okay?”

 

Michael nodded, letting Jeremy lead him back down to the basement. They bypassed the girls without a second glance. They didn’t seem eager to want to bother them either however, as Jenna announced they were leaving, and that they’d see them in school. Michael paid no mind as Jeremy led him downstairs. He couldn’t deny the nerves he felt however. He knew what was coming next.

 

“So… where is it?”

 

He didn’t need to ask what Jeremy was referring to. Michael pointed to the Pink Floyd cassette case.

 

Jeremy went over with a neutral expression, opening the case to pull out the thin blade of metal. Michael looked away.

 

“Is this the only one?” Jeremy asked. Hesitating slightly, Michael nodded. Jeremy cleared his throat.  _ “Michael.” _

 

Biting his lip, Michael stared at his shoes and picked at the fraying jacket sleeve. He shook his head.

 

With a tired sigh, Jeremy, linked their fingers. “Where’s it at, buddy?”

 

Michael took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “With my weed. In- In the package of papers.”

 

Jeremy nodded, setting off to retrieve the dangerous object. “Is that all of them?” Michael nodded truthfully. He came back to Michael’s side, brushing some hair from his face. “Where did you even get these?”

 

Tears pulling at his eyes again, Michael shrugged. Jeremy just stared at him however, pulling Michael from his lie. “M-My dad, he… he bought a new box cutter. I… I took two of the extra blades.”

 

“How many does it come with?”

 

“Three.”

 

“And you’re sure you didn’t take the third one?”

 

Michael shook his head, looking at Jeremy again. “No. He’d notice if I took them all.”

 

Jeremy nodded, dropping the blades into his backpack to be disposed of at another location. He linked their hands again, pressing his thumb across Michael’s knuckles. “You up for some games now?”

 

Michael hid a shy smile as he looked down at their conjoined hands. “Yeah,” he whispered. “I think I am.”

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Jeremy had stayed the weekend. Michael’s parents hadn’t minded, long since used to the boys binging weekends together. And though Michael still wanted to occasionally hide himself away from the world, never to bother anyone again, being away with Jeremy for a while was nice too. Eventually the two went out to retrieve Michael’s phone, who was pleasantly surprised to see the barrage of encouraging texts he’d gotten from the squad.

 

He wouldn’t tell Jeremy this, but Michael was more surprised they even remembered to text him. Or that they had his number. The feeling was… nice.

 

This was nice. Having friends was nice.

 

Come Monday Michael felt ready to face everyone, though with his jacket in place of course. Jeremy had held his hand the moment they got in the car and refused to let go until they had to part for class. Other than Rich’s teasing which was quickly cut off by Jenna harshly smacking the back of his head, no one mentioned why he left early Friday. And Michael was glad. He didn’t think he was ready to explain that just yet.

 

For now he was just happy to have friends. To have an amazing boyfriend who took care of him. To have people worry about him on the bad days. He was just… happy to have a chance at being happy.

 

_ Michael was Happy. _

**Author's Note:**

> GUESS! WHO'S! PROCRASTINATING! Yooooo guys! I'll get back to my other stories, I swear xD I just ugh I needed some Michael angst. So boom! He(e)re ya go! [Heh] Also, I hate the ending to this but like. Ending? WHat's an ending? Anywho. Yaaaa I hope you guys liked this :) Stay safe everyone! Please please please, if you are harming yourself, get professional help. That shit is serious and I wouldn't want any of you lovelies getting hurt :/ 
> 
> Also, yes the title is from a Green Day song. I couldn't think of anything better and Green Day is my fuckin Jam


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